"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell

Tonight was really hard, but before I go into that, I need to talk about what has happened over the last few months. So, last year I became best friends with this boy who will remain nameless. We did everything together: studied, watched the olympics, talked about the people we liked...talked about everything. After about 6 months of being best friends, we both kind of figured out that we liked each other. And, as the story would go, we began dating. I ended up going home for the summer, but we dated long distance. I visited him about 3 weeks before school started, and we spent a lot of time catching up. He mentioned things about our future together, so when he broke up with me a week later, it was kind of a surprise. Another surprise was finding out he had a girlfriend the next week when school began. Needless to say, things have been hard. I see him all the time, and I can hardly stand being in the same room with him. But, I think what hurts the most, is that he proposed to this other girl last week. I don't like him anymore, but it is hard, because she could be me. And, I don't know why it didn't work out. I am glad it didn't. But my dream in life is to find that person that I can spend forever with and become a mom...to do those things that I should do as a daughter of God for the rising generation. So, to see that slip through my fingers makes me feel like rain on a cloudy day. It makes me scared that I will never have that future that I most desire. I found comfort in the Alexander Graham Bell quote. When a door closes, another will open. And while the future is scary I realize that I need to look to that door in front of me, quit looking at the past, and step through that door.

I was reading a friend's blog today,and he had a list of goals that he wanted to accomplish this semester. One of them was o go to the temple twice a month. I mean we live in Utah....there are around 5 temples within an hour. That is incredible! It is sad that more of us don't take advantage of going to the temple when so many people in the world save money for their whole lifetime to go to the temple once. Anyways, I think that I would like to make that a goal too. Last year, I was really good at going to the temple. In fact, I was able to go once a week for all of winter and spring semesters. But, when I went home for the summer, that kind of fell apart. I got to the temple once...which is not horrible, cause the temple is kind of distant. But, I should be better. I really ought to get there at least twice a month. I just have the strongest testimony of the importance of the work that happens in the temple. Families are sealed to be together forever. And this is all possible because of the atonement. I know that when we go to the temple, we can feel the Lord's blessing in our lives, and we can become spiritually prepared to understand the mysteries of God. I love the temple.

He will never leave us comfortless...

I kind of don't want anyone to read this, but I expect that some of you will. I have been having a really hard time lately. I am currently a junior in chemical engineering at BYU, and it has been a hard couple of years. I have been busting my brain in academics since I can't remember, and that way of life has become a lifestyle. I always have something to study and something to work on. First it was the hours upon hours spent studying human development, and then it was the hour upon hours spent cramming math 113, math 302, and chemical processes into my brain. My curriculum requires that I spend nearly all of my time studying, and as a consequence I have spent nearly every Friday and Saturday night for the past year in either the Clyde Buiding or the Library. I never do social things.

So, when I was home, my mom and all of the other adults in my home ward told me that I needed to take it easier. So, we proceeded to plan out a schedule which would extend my schooling an extra year, and I would be forced to fill my credit hours with fun things. This was really hard for me exept for a couple of reasons. Number one, I have always been the one who gets the A and who doesn't slack. I never did in highschool, and people don't expect me to here. Number 2 I finally have friends at school and I am going to lose them. I have never been good at having friends outside of my classes.....I always just find people to be friendly with at school. And so, I finally have friends in my classes, but they are going to graduate, and I will be left behind. Anyways, it took a while for me to get used to the idea of taking an extra year. But, it will be good for me. I need to take time to be social, or the things that I want most will never happen.

Besides, all of my friends that I have at school right now have started dating people. Which is wonderful of course, but they have already left me behind....I thought that it wouldn't be for another year, when they graduate. But....they don't really have time for me anymore. And I am alone. It kind of way stinks.

I am at school. A spring term. And I decided to not take as many credit hours, so that I could have fun. I am in two classes that really matter, and one that doesn't. But, the work load isn't really that bad. And this weekend I found out what it is like to truly be alone at school. This weekend, I didn't have as much homework as I normally have. So, I spent my evenings at home alone---all of my roomates have boyfriends and are out nearly every night---and I watched movies by myself.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I have innumerable blessings and I have absolutely no reason to complain. But, sometimes I feel like I am totally and insurmaountably alone. Expecially when I can't even get ahold of my parents to talk. I have used my studies as a crutch and as a hangup for a long time. I don't like to deal with certain things, so I haven't. I have ignored a lot of things by becoming completely engrossed in my studies.

I really don't know what to do.....

But I do know, that we are never alone. We always have the Lord, and He will never leave us comfortless.

So, I'm definitely not very good at this blogging thing. But, what can I say? I am not married, incredibly witty, or knowledgeable on any subject, so I can't write about what all of you write about: your husbands, children, jokes and such, or politics....science....

So, I ask myself, what can I write about? After contemplating this stirring question in my mind's eye, I have determined to truly write from the heart. I want to help people out there who have issues and problems--with as much as my limited experience can offer. And with that, I will post my first essay--an essay written to students at Brigham Young University---- in an endeavor to help as many of you as possible. Please excuse any errors in the text.

A Temple of God

The doll that was given to you for your sixth birthday; the girl you see on your favorite Thursday-night television show; the celebrity that saturated the magazine that you flip through at the grocery store – fake women. As girls in the world grow older, they are constantly bombarded by the images of so-called “perfect” women, and are told that they should be exactly like them. This indoctrination begins at an early age with Barbie, and continues through the preteen and teenage years by way of magazines and T.V. Because of this, many young women feel that their own appearance is inadequate, and try to change it through drastic measures. The most commonly used: anorexia nervosa. Most unfortunately, this trend has seeped into the lifestyle at Brigham Young University, and anorexia has become the biggest problem for girls at this school; a problem that needs to be fixed. I urge those of you who are on the edge of becoming anorexic to stop and think about all of the consequences that it can have on your life, and decide to quit taking part in the present fad at BYU.

Anorexia is a disorder which is extremely hard to let go of. When I was a young girl, I was overweight. I was teased constantly about my weight and appearance; this mockery filled my middle school years, and because of the sensitivity of youth to peer approval, I quickly became obsessed with the way I looked. I was incredibly unhappy, and I thought that if I was “skinny”, like the other girls, I would be content with myself. So, I cut carbohydrates completely out of my diet. Surprisingly, this plan worked; in one week I had already lost five pounds. After a couple of weeks, I cut down my diet even more, until I was eating only a snack and one meal a day. That semester, I lost twenty pounds, and I thought that now I would finally be happy with my image. But, the ridicule from previous years still echoed in my ears and lingered in my heart, and I decided to try to lose weight again during the second semester of my freshman year of high school. Across that year and the following year, I became anorexic. I ate barely enough to survive; I exercised excessively; and I was overly preoccupied with my appearance. Eventually, I was so thin, that my bones stuck out all over my body. At the time, I saw the old me when I looked in the mirror. I saw a girl who was grossly overweight with nothing going for her. Because of my disillusionment, I could not see how sick I was becoming. Even with bones sticking out all over my body, I still thought that I was too fat. Fortunately for me, my parents, teachers and friends knew what was going on, and forced me to start eating again—after almost a year of starvation. Because of them, I started to regain physical health. But, even after a year, I still suffered from psychological problems. I still thought that I was overweight, and I exercised to an extreme. Anorexia is an overpowering disorder, which wraps its tentacles around you, choking you off from any sort of normal behavior. It takes over your mind, body, and spirit, but is so discreet that you hardly notice that you are becoming a new person. Because of this, it is a challenge to see reasons why anorexia is such a bad thing, but there are several logical reasons why anorexia is unsafe.

One reason why eating disorders should be avoided is because they are extraordinarily dangerous for you physically. Yes, anorexia will cause you to lose weight, but the loss is so severe, that it is causes several known bad effects. One effect of starving yourself is decreased blood flow to your brain, which will change the structure and function of your brain. This change, once attained, can never be completely erased. The function of your brain will return only slightly, as you regain that weight that you obviously—after months of trying to lose—do not want to carry on your body. Unfortunately, this change in brain structure can cause memory loss, which greatly decreases your ability to succeed in college level classes. Furthermore, your brain will not be able to cope with stress, leading to psychological inadequacies, and possibly social deficiencies. Another effect of anorexia is decreased white blood cell count, which in turn, lowers the sufficiency of your immune system. Decreased sufficiency leads to a greater chance of you catching, as well as keeping, a virus or a bacterial infection. Illness can have similar effects on school work as brain loss: extreme exhaustion, which leads to lack of studying; inability to concentrate on exams; and failure in class—something which you would not enjoy tackling.

While the physiological impacts of anorexia should lead us to withdraw from the desire to lose excessive weight, this unfortunately is not the case. While most of us may understand the reasons behind the need to quit, most of us still find faults within ourselves, and our feelings of doubt overpower any logic we may have developed to try to convince us to stop. Fortunately for us, we have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. One of His teachings is the “Word of Wisdom”. Many of us think that this law is a command to refrain from smoking, drinking alcohol, and consuming coffee and tea. While this is true, it also includes another portion which is often overlooked. This segment outlines an eating guide, which includes what kinds of foods we should eat and which foods we should not eat. Clearly, the Lord wants us to eat and maintain a healthy physic.

Another doctrine of the church, which counters anorexic behavior, is the teaching that our bodies are temples. A temple is a building which is dedicated to be the House of God. When the Temple of the Lord is built, the church uses the best and most precious supplies to make sure that it is perfect. When the saints were building the Kirtland Temple in the 1800s, they had barely enough money to buy the essentials needed to survive, but they gave everything extra that they had to make the temple beautiful. Many of the women crushed their china and mixed the china powder into the plaster, so that the temple walls would shine. They put so much effort into making the temples perfect, and knew that the temple must not be defiled or taken advantage of in any way. This includes painting it in atrocious colors, pounding holes into its walls, or using it in an inappropriate way. Like the temple, our bodies as temples, were made perfect. The Lord put His best into the house of our spirits. He made it perfect, and expects it, like the temple, to not be defiled in any way. This includes being tattooed, pierced extensively, or used in erotic behavior outside the bonds of matrimony—stains to our perfect bodies. A stain which we often fail to understand is the failure to be healthy. We should never starve our temples of the food that they need to survive.

I know from firsthand experience that anorexia is a hard disorder to overcome. It has taken me years to realize this one thing: my self-confidence, as a youth, rested on peer approval. I wanted to be accepted, and because I thought that I was not included in the group, I tried my best to change the situation myself. Now, I finally realize that peer opinions do not matter. I am a daughter of God, as each of us is, and my self-confidence and self-esteem should be grounded on this principal: I have a Heavenly Father who loves me. In this life, we are constantly bombarded with pictures of the world’s view of beauty including everything from celebrities to Barbie. We must remember that Barbie could never be real. We are real women. I plead with the women on this campus, to find joy in the knowledge that we are beautiful daughters of God. He gave us bodies, and it is our duty to Him to protect them from harm.

FAITH from an unknown source

This has a thought provoking message no matter how you believe. Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists?A student bravely replied yes, he did!""God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes, sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil."The student became quiet before such an answer.

The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?" "Of course", replied the professor. The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Everybody and every object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have too little heat.

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does".

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. "These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love, that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young mans name --- Albert Einstein

The 10 All-Time Worst Foods--No, duh!

so, as many of you know, I am a bit of a health nut when it comes to food and exercise-- I am not so good at getting enough sleep ;) --- I have kept track of calorie eaten and burned since I was 14. This is not necessarily a good thing, but as part of my hobby, I actually subscribed to a couple of online magazines. These magazines are full of all kinds of health tips--diets, skin care, exercise tips, etc. The other day a newsletter came into my spam mail inbox, titles thus : The 10 All-Time Worst Foods. Curious, I decided to read what the "experts" had to say about what was bad for your body. These are what they said :

1) Donuts

2) Margarine

3) Sugary Cereal

4) Colored Sports Drinks

5) Toaster Pastries

6) Chips

7) Chicken Nuggets

8) Soft Drinks

9) Bologna

10) Crackers

Some of these may seem surprising, but when you look at the list you can make some pretty fair assumptions. They all have tons of fat and/or sugar. Enough Said. Many of them -- chicken nuggets, bologna, and margarine -- are pretty much a mixture of leftover junk that can't go into any other delicious cuisine. Which when one looks at the stuff that is in these products, why would you eat it anyways?

So from one health addict to another, here is the simple way to know if something is healthy :

1. look for low sugar
2. look for low saturated and trans fats
3. look for high fiber

No Work = Pay?

So, as many of you know, I have been working for the government. I work at Houston Communtiy College and am part of the administration for the High School Summer Bridge Program. When I took this job, I was really excited. I thought it would be a good solid job, in which I had plenty to do. It is a government job however. I do very little and I get paid. As my mom says : that is how it is when you work for the gov ;)

Bug Off!

Insects roam the world at large; doing seemingly little that is productive. But, as those who are intellectually "nerdy"(aka me) know, their existence is essential to the survival of every living thing on earth. Bugs may be small, and annoying, but they are the foundation to life, as is seen in earth's food pyramid. Unfortunately, while they do have many positive benefits, the world at large sees insects as tiny, nasty, malevolent creatures that have only one desire: to bite either you or your plants, often times causing both to become diseased. Because of the negative connotation associated with bugs, there have across the years developed a number of clichés which abound in American colloquialism. These include:

"Beetle Brain" - not too clever

"A Bug" - a fault in a machine

"Bug Eyed" - eyes that stick out really far

"Moth-Eaten" - old-fashioned

and

"Bug-Off" - go away

The other day I was talking to my mom about dating. Since I have been home, I have been asked two questions. How was your first year at college? and Are you dating anyone? And more often than not, it is just: So, have you met anyone? *hint* (See Lindsay, we all get it). Unfortunately, it would probably be a little rude, or else I would answer: Of course, I met lots of people. There were approximately 40 kids in each of my classes. --Now, because I knew what the people actually wanted to know, I replied: no, I have never dated anyone. Which depending on the definition of the word date, is true. Now, I did go on more dates than any of the girls in my apartment, but I never go on multiple dates with the same guy. And, though this may seem a little strange to the vast majority of my friends, I definitely want to date a guy, before I date the gentleman to whom I will get hitched. As my mom and I were talking, she said that my sister said that it is obvious why I don't go on second dates. Apparently, I wear a huge "Bug-off" sign. To all of you out there, boys and girls, I am sorry. I probably look stuck-up, because I don't want to appear too attached to quickly---because then, in my experience, I am seen as even more weird.

So, while I may wear a "bug-off" sign, it is more of a butterfly, than a beetle: A beautiful welcoming sign.

The Nerd that is Me

As most of you know already, I am a nerd. Which according to my friend Webster means that I am an:

an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person ; especially : one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits.

I guess my dreams of being a supermodel are out with that as my definition. Most unfortunately, while it is not necessarily obvious that I am socially inept, it is quite plain that I am slavishly devoted to intellectual pursuits. While most of my peers are using the summer months to relax after the many grinding months spent in brain-bruising calculus and chemistry courses, I have taken on to endeavor physics for engineers.

In two weeks, I have completed 10 out of 24 lessons, and hope to be done with the course by the middle of July--wish me luck!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!

This weekend I spent a lovely weekend with Leslie, Matt and the boys. I arrived on a rainy Saturday afternoon, but you'd never know that it was rainy outside when I arrived, while the sun shone brightly inside. We had a fun time dying Easter eggs, watching "Bedtime Stories", and playing a very intense game of Settlers of Catan. On Sunday morning we went to church, and during Sunday school we snuck home to play the Easter bunny for my nephews. All in all, it was a very fun and relaxing and exciting weekend for me---seeing my family and being away from Provo!